curious, not creepy.


walk five – in your name.
June 4, 2009, 9:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

i asked a good friend of mine what was something that was important to him, something that he really believed in. i shouldn’t have been surprised when he told me something totally unconventional, as last year he had me pick up all the nails in my alley, but i was. 

it is important to be able and comfortable being alone. there is nothing wrong with it. its not something to get used to, its something that we all do. 

with that being said, he asked me to go on a date. to picture what my ‘perfect date’ would be and do it, but alone.  i was totally intrigued by this idea, but was really hesitant to actually follow through. this idea of being alone or feeling loneliness is something i’ve been thinking and dealing a lot with lately. some of my closest, and dearest friends are moving and will be gone by the end of the summer. i’m excited for them to move forward and actively pursue their future, but i can’t help but feel sad that they’re leaving. its not that i don’t have good friends that are still in town, but i guess more then anything it makes me feel as though i’m falling behind. for those of us who’ve grown up in tucson, there seems to be this mentality that you have to escape. that you haven’t really made it if you haven’t moved away. at least thats the way me and my friends seem to look at it, it is this place that you love to miss, but hate to be in. 

the idea of this walk felt far too personal so i initially rejected it and asked him to come up with something else. he refused and insisted that i do it. and after a lot of coaxing, i convinced myself that i needed to do it. 

char's

i started off my date at char’s, one of my favorite restaurants in town. i wasn’t nervous when walking in, but when the hostess asked me how many and i said just one her only response was ‘oh.’ the nerves kicked in.

dinner.

i realized when i sat down, that i’d never eaten dinner alone at a nicer restaurant.  normally when i go eat alone, i have a book or something to do. but i didn’t have that option as it would be rude to do that on a date. i did notice myself becoming very sensitive to the other people in the room and what they think about me being alone, or what it is that i think about people who eat alone.  the only time i’ve ever felt any kind of sadness for someone who is eating alone is if they are older.  for some reason it seems worse when they do it then someone who is younger.  i think i project my ideas of why it is they don’t have anyone else with them, like their partner passed away or all their friends are in retirement homes when they could just be doing what i am – unable to find someone else to go with but am still hungry.  the other customers didn’t seem to even notice that i was alone, they were all caught up in their own conversations that they didn’t really give me a second glance.  and it was kind of nice being alone there, however i did miss having someone around who could order the curry so we could share.

after dinner i took myself to see a movie.

loft.

now, hunger isn’t necessarily a first date movie but i figured on a perfect date the other person would want to see it as badly as i did.  i’ve seen movies by myself before, but what is interesting is that even though i’m in an environment that is totally familiar being there off the clock and alone felt a little awkward.  in my mind everyone was wondering why this girl was all alone at a pretty depressing film, but i don’t think that anyone really cared that i was there alone.  instead i was projecting these things onto them.  

the film was absolutely amazing.  it would have been nice to have someone around who’d seen the film to discuss it with them, but it was nice being able to fully digest it on my own.  after the movie, i drove home and walked down to che’s as the conclusion to my date.

bar time.

this was the part that i’d been dreading the most about this whole walk.  i’d never been to a bar alone before, the idea of it totally freaks me out.  i feel like its a completely different experience for a guy to go alone then it is for a girl.  if a girl is seen by herself there is an automatic assumption that she is out ‘on the prowl.’  but if a guy is out, he’s just out having a drink which is a very weird double standard.  i was able to find a table which was ironically by the last person i went on a ‘date’ with.  which got me thinking about the word ‘date.’  i find the word to be very intimidating as there are very specific intentions and expectations involved with going on one.  there is that ultimate goal that at the end of the night you’ll be getting that goodnight kiss or something more, which maybe why i don’t use that word very often.  we’ll go and ‘hangout’ or something, but never a date.  it feels like too much pressure to me.  so it was kind of funny that the first time i’ve used that word in a long time was in reference to myself.  after all of that inner dialogue i looked around the room and noticed that just like at dinner, no one seemed to really care that i was there by myself.  i did get a couple strange, prolonged looks from two guys sitting at a table but it didn’t really bother me.  it wasn’t nearly as horrible of an experience as i was expecting it to be.  instead, it was kind of enjoyable.  

i figured out that its not that i’m not capable of being by myself, but that i just enjoy having someone else around.  to be able to talk about things that just happened, or discuss a thought that just popped into your head.  

there seems to be this social stigma about doing things alone.  there is this idea that if you’re alone, then you must be sad and lonely and totally friendless when in all actually it seems more like a sign of independence.  that you are free to do and go wherever it is on your own and feel comfortable doing so.  going on this date with myself made me realize that.  it is okay to be by yourself.  it is okay to be alone.  it is okay to have a nice evening all by yourself. 

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